Tuesday, September 14, 2010

a whole year....

...of missing my brother. i dont think i have fully connected with it.
heres the thing- i didnt talk to my brother a whole lot. i mean we didnt talk daily or weekly. id see him on facebook and chat a quick hi, whatcha doin, and that was about it.
i always had a hard time talking with him, like i didnt have anything smart enough or interesting to share. i dont know why. i didnt talk sports, didnt want to talk about his job (correctional officer), didnt talk Harleys. not his fault at all. sucks cuz now i really cant talk to him.even to just say hi.
tomorrow the 15th is the 1 year mark. my 2 brothers, mom and sis-in-law are meeting for lunch,which really seems weird. there is always the white elephant in the room, that being allen. i think about him, and what he did to himself, every day, and wonder why........
mymom and brothers dont seem to want to talk about it, but i want to. my mom is just kinda put it under a rug. i guess i am mainly writing to myself here.
im still just so sad .erg.

6 comments:

Amy said...

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I will listen if you need to talk! The only comfort is that he must be so much more at peace now. And he knows that you love him and miss him. Hope you can feel my hugs all the way from Idaho!

Anonymous said...

Tandra, I don't the history behind this story, but I hear you, your feelings and I just want to hug you. I'm not sure how your brother died, but I'm guessing he ended his own life (?) and although not quite the same situation, I do know what you're going through. My aunt ended her life in a very tragic way. It was almost 20 years ago but still, at every family event "she" is there, just like you said, the unspoken memory present with us. My heart goes out to you. We met at the first Stampin' Addicts M & G, although we didn't really talk much. I'll keep you in my prayers this week.

Laura Fernsler

Creative Mish said...

Sorry you're going through this... Time does eventually heal...

Are you using Photoshop for your blog header? If so... all you have to do is create a new layer and add text.. :)

patricia said...

I'm sorry friend.

Kim said...

(((((((hugs))))))

Bandon, Oregon said...

Tandra, I am so sorry. HUGS!!! I was coming home from the Portland Oregon Regionals last night, thinking about my brother, couldn't believe it's been almost 20 years since his passing... the pain is still there, but has changed. I wished he could be here to see my children grow up and to laugh and joke together and hug, but I know over the years, he has been always here with me, and when I laugh at something he would think was funny, that he is laughing too... I too, wanted to understand and needed to talk about him... I have a closer relationship with my older brother (whom I wasn't close with at all) because of that need and I did go and get professional help... I NEEDED to talk to someone to understand, to make some sense out of everything... It made a big difference in my life. Just to get all my pain out there on the table... Anyway... please know I do care....

Always,
Faith